I'm going to go on a short (or perhaps lengthy) rant right now. Please excuse the language.

F*** this school. I didn't want to go here in the first place. In fact, this was my last choice. And I'm so freaking miserable here that I'd seriously like to consider transferring to another school.  everything here makes me so irritated and tired of all this shit. it makes me lose a lot of trust in people.

take my roommate for instance. pretty much everyday i have to hear her say "fuck my life." seriously now. is that really necessary? how can your life be so bad that you must utter these three ridiculous words on a daily basis? and this is usually prompted by her misplacing a book that she finds about 10 seconds later. why? it's complete shit is what it is. and on top of that she's condescending and patronizing. yes, she's that bad that i feel two words must be used in conjunction to describe her. she always assumes that her opinion is right and then shoots mine down. doesn't even give it a chance. i think this is what i hate most about her. oh, and she cries when she doesn't think she got an A on a midterm. please chill out. no one likes a high strung person.

and my other roommate. we're on the "roommate wavelength." basically we don't bother each other and we're cordial to each other. but we wouldn't consider ourselves friends.

that's pretty much how it is with the rest of my suite. we're nice to each other, we ask permission to borrow things like plates or bowls if necessary. but beyond that, i don't hang out with them. nor do i feel the pressing desire to do such things.

and i think they don't like me because i'm slightly humorless and my sense of humor is different from theirs. i make wry comments and i don't find their humor the least bit amusing. i'm sorry if i don't call everyone a bitch. does that make me one now?

i'm pretty sure the only thing that keeps me from jumping out of the window next to me is the wonderful boyfriend. and i know that sounds completely cliched (oh my gawd. i luv my bf so so so much. and he's the best thing in the world. and i'm so completely consumed by our LOVE). yeah right. that's not me. i just find that he's the only REAL person i've met in a long time.

there's way too much superficiality at this school. some extraneous competition to prove that you're better than me. really now? want to boast how you're in math 20B and ooh ooh chem 6A? well i'm pretty sure the last time i checked that i'm in math 20C and chem 6B. oh yeah, and i'm getting a scholarship to this school. yes, i have one-upped you. now shut up. and next time, let's think before we talk, hmm?

i think this is very pertinent to pretty much everyone i know:

Treat your intelligence with care. It's not like a pocket watch that you whip out every 5 minutes to tell people the time and to show off your pretty timepiece. When people ask what the time is, that is an appropriate time to take out your watch and tell them. With dignity and not boastfullness.

During that last (and brief) argument with my boyfriend, i was inconsolable because i realized that if things ever broke down between us, i would have absolutely no one here. no one.

i literally have no friends. and i'm not exaggerating. and it's not for lack of trying. i actually feel like i'm being shunned by the people who i live with. and unfortunately, these are supposed to be the people who you become closest to.

on two occasions i have quite seriously considered moving out of my room. the first time after a major episode with the one bad roommate. my boyfriend and i talked about me moving in with him for a while and living at his apartment. but we realized it would be too much hassle for him to always drive me to campus and i'd still be paying for the room in the res halls. the second time was recently when i found out that there was an open single room on the first floor and no one was on the waiting list for it. i don't honestly know how much longer i can go on living with these people. i'm still thinking about it. and i'd have to tell my mom about it who thinks things are just peachy here at school.

things have gotten pretty bad and might get worse. depending. we'll see. there's a new girl moving in to our suite and she has clinical insomnia. and she wants us to be quiet at the start of quiet hours which i don't really think the other girls are going to be able to do. there might be some tension here.

i think sometimes that if i had willingly come to this school (not forced) then i might actually have adopted a better attitude towards it and might actually have liked it to some extent. but i set my mind at hating the school. and if it's one thing that i do well, it's holding a grudge.

i think i've opened and read my bible more times in the last 3 months since moving in than i did in the past 2 years. mostly seeking some sort of solace for the things i'm going through right now. i never needed more than prayer because i had awesome friends, school was going good for me, and not too much to complain about home life. but now, i feel more lost than ever and no one to talk to about it. and when i say no one, i mean people here at school who i can talk to.

i took a psychological test just out of curiosity (and they were handing out free stuff if you took the test. what poor college student doesn't like free stuff?). they strongly recommended that i have counseling. i think that says a lot about the situation. knowing that a professional inferred from an objective test that something is seriously wrong.

i don't have the same kind of faith that i used to. it used to be a huge factor in my life. two years ago, i leaned on my faith more than anything else and it got me through a really hard time. and i was ok again after a long long period of depression. now i feel like i've lost all ability to care about anything anymore. i'm hesitant to put my trust in others because i know that they're going to shatter that trust.

end rant.

"where from here?"

So, in all respects, college is pretty cool and it's a way different experience from. well. anything really. tons of people who are like you but not. there are so many more levels to connect on. it's just kind of an exhilarating ride that has new twists and turns around the corner.

i came into this thinking that i had my priorities straight and that i was just going to get through this and focus on my studies. i had my values and beliefs in order. i was ready.

and then i got here. and realized it was so much different than i could have ever imagined.

having come from a rather large high school, i figured it would be pretty easy to adjust to college life. wrong. it is so much harder to make friends here because you can't really say, oh i have such and such class with you! yeah. in a class of 300+ students more often than not, you're not really going to be able to recognize these people if they walked past you 15 seconds later.

not only is the social aspect of it that much harder. so is the academics. i knew that it was going to be harder, but i graduated 2nd in my class of about 800 students. i figured i could handle this. not so much. it's actually more of a struggle than i thought it was going to be. classes are on hyperdrive and professors don't give a shit if you show up or turn in homework or fail midterms.

but college is supposed to be hard. if it was easy, everyone would have a degree.

btw. i've also met someone who challenges everything about me. and i like that. and i think he's changing me for the better. and i'm excited to see what comes next.

on one of our little hikes through the woods :) our "road less travelled"